Everyday is a Struggle

Today started out on somewhat of a bad note for me.  I am proud of myself for making myself get up and stay up and get a few things done.  It also meant spending a few hours this morning with my husband when he is at his most chattiest.  Also when he has high anxiety.  He becomes super needy.  So after I did something for him (looking up a place that he could have easily done himself on his phone) I rushed and said I am getting in the shower.   Once I got out I tried to relax a bit and wait for him to leave so I could get myself ready to get out the door and do what I wanted to do.  He made a comment to me and I snipped back at him and he said you know what?  Shook his hand and said bye.  And left.   It left a very sour feeling inside of me.  I was angry and then started to get depressed.  I kept telling myself to fight the urge of sitting on the couch all day or going back to bed and just go do what you have to do.  I got out of the house and felt better.  I remembered it was Friday and that it was my best friend's day off sometimes.  I thought about her and wanted to reach out to her.  We haven't talked for some time and I wasn't sure why, but I didn't care. I missed her and I wanted to tell her. I did and it was nice to finally talk a bit again.   I watched a few shows, laughed my ass off and enjoyed myself.  I have been telling myself for some time now that the weather is so nice outside I just want to sit out back in my patio and enjoy it.  I am always, ALWAYS inside.  Today I turned the TV off, got up and grabbed one of my new books that I am reading and am now enjoying myself.   The book is about a woman's escape from depression and suicide.   I am really enjoying it.  And hoping I learn a few tips from it.  And well I guess I am, because one of the tips is to get your feelings and your thoughts out.  Doing this, journaling is allowing me to do that.  To NOT keep them all inside.   I have been sleeping so much again lately.   I had a few good days last week and then I went right back into my depression.  I have to fight everyday to make the best of the day and night.  I am always too quick to give up and just say fuck it, pop a sleeping pill and go back to bed.  I am proud to say that even though I have had a migraine for the past few hours I am doing everything I can to just enjoy this day and I hope to have a good evening as well.