I lost my Mojo

Past few days have been pretty wild.   I started to see a therapist.  We have the "get to know me" questions out of the way but we pretty much both agreed that I am somewhat suicidal.  Only plan I have is to take all my pills if I get in that moment but I have been very very low and very very almost there.   She suggested that Ed takes my meds, the important ones and puts them in a lock box just for now.  Not forever of course but until I feel somewhat stable again and know I won't hurt myself (or anyone else).  So we did that.  This morning I felt two different ways about what us agreeing to do that.  I couldn't sleep for shit yesterday and I can't today.  That one feeling I felt was all fuzzy when I had to ask him for an anxiety pill because I couldn't turn off my thoughts.  Hoping it would work I felt like Daddy's girl and that he was taking care of me.  When it didn't work, I felt that I never really realized how much I depend on them to get me thru the day.  I always thought it was just I take them mostly at night to sleep and my anti depressants and all and I am just FINE.  I am so far from it.  I think this eventually will make me so much more stronger to learn different coping tools or mechanisms to not rely on meds so much to get thru my day for everything.

Just got home from taking his brother in law to a doc appt and had some energy still left in me and I really wanna clean up this room with all the clothes, papers, etc.   In like a minute I lost it. I lost that feeling of, I am gonna get shit done!   One of the things on my mind was blogging when I couldn't sleep earlier so I figured maybe talking about it more would help me.   I am hiding in my room because I just don't want to be around my brother in law right now.  He is seeming to have an off day and I have been isolating myself anyhow a lot.  I know it's not good to isolate but he's not the best company.   Ed will be home in an hour so I will just socialize then.  Having him as a room mate has been so fucking hard for me.  I can't wait till it ends.  I think I might throw a party, honestly, I just might.  Invite all of my non friends.  Hah.  It's crazy because they would come too.   I am going to edit this and try really hard to at least put away my new clothes.  Yes, they are still in their shopping bags.  I have energy to do absolutely nothing lately.  It's the worst.

Bad Friend/Bad Person

I have been feeling lately that I am a bad friend.  I think I have chose a few wrong ones, but I know that I have also chose a few right ones.  I have a ton of guilt and shame because I can't or don't keep plans because people just don't seem to understand or get me. (Totally not why I don't keep the plans)  I wish these people, hell I wish everyone really understood depression.   I wish they understood it like I was living it.  I am trying really hard here NOT to use it as my crutch, but frankly, it's the only exuse for my actions and the reason I have changed from that old bubbly cheerful Melanie to what I am now.  And I don't even know how to describe what I am now.  I have been getting and hearing some of why don't I hear from you anymore?  Why this, why that?  I try to explain it, but I sound and feel like a broken record.  I feel like no one understands unless they go thru what I do.  And they do.  There are more people than I thought know so much and understand.  I was shocked when I joined some Bi polar 2 groups on Facebook.  Maybe they are my people.  Maybe I should start trying to become friends with them and be more active in those groups.  I am trying to be positive though and I hate to say this, but they all seem soooooooooo low.  Lower than me if that is even possible.   And well I guess it is.  My throat is closing up some and I am getting teary eyed writing this because I really really miss who i used to be.  I try so hard, but I can't please everyone.  Not even myself.

It's Been a While

I have been wanting to write now for months and I am finally doing it at 4:20 AM.  Such a significant time huh?   I have to chuckle.  I have been very depressed now for a few months.  All I want to do is sleep.  My bed and my pillows are my sanctuary.  I am taking a few different meds for my migraines and they seem to be working but I don't think that is what is making me depressed.  I think it's all the medications I am on it's just so hard for me to want to stay awake.  I get bored easily.  I am losing interest in a lot.   But I am trying to start again.  I am seeing a therapist but we are just starting out but I like her so far.   She gave me some gatherings I can go to where others meet every week.  If I can stay out of my bed when they have them or if I am brave enough I would like to go.  I found some things on Pinterest on blogging challenges and they look fun and interesting and will really jog my mind a bit.  Better than staring at my phone all the time and playing games to pass the time.  Easter is coming up this Sunday and just thinking about it is missing my family.   I hope I can see them around this Xmas or before.