Past few days have been pretty wild. I started to see a therapist. We have the "get to know me" questions out of the way but we pretty much both agreed that I am somewhat suicidal. Only plan I have is to take all my pills if I get in that moment but I have been very very low and very very almost there. She suggested that Ed takes my meds, the important ones and puts them in a lock box just for now. Not forever of course but until I feel somewhat stable again and know I won't hurt myself (or anyone else). So we did that. This morning I felt two different ways about what us agreeing to do that. I couldn't sleep for shit yesterday and I can't today. That one feeling I felt was all fuzzy when I had to ask him for an anxiety pill because I couldn't turn off my thoughts. Hoping it would work I felt like Daddy's girl and that he was taking care of me. When it didn't work, I felt that I never really realized how much I depend on them to get me thru the day. I always thought it was just I take them mostly at night to sleep and my anti depressants and all and I am just FINE. I am so far from it. I think this eventually will make me so much more stronger to learn different coping tools or mechanisms to not rely on meds so much to get thru my day for everything.
Just got home from taking his brother in law to a doc appt and had some energy still left in me and I really wanna clean up this room with all the clothes, papers, etc. In like a minute I lost it. I lost that feeling of, I am gonna get shit done! One of the things on my mind was blogging when I couldn't sleep earlier so I figured maybe talking about it more would help me. I am hiding in my room because I just don't want to be around my brother in law right now. He is seeming to have an off day and I have been isolating myself anyhow a lot. I know it's not good to isolate but he's not the best company. Ed will be home in an hour so I will just socialize then. Having him as a room mate has been so fucking hard for me. I can't wait till it ends. I think I might throw a party, honestly, I just might. Invite all of my non friends. Hah. It's crazy because they would come too. I am going to edit this and try really hard to at least put away my new clothes. Yes, they are still in their shopping bags. I have energy to do absolutely nothing lately. It's the worst.
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