Self Destruction

I hate myself today.  I am having really bad thoughts.  I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen to me and understand.   I am trying to forget how shitty I am feeling and I am going to try to make this a positive day.  I don't know what else to say.   I like to think I have a good heart but I don't know how when I do bad things constantly.  This isn't about me having bad self esteem.   I honestly do and think about doing these bad things.   I wish I had everything that I wanted.  But I don't think I ever will. 

Blessed

I had a few nice surprises today.  My best friend texted me earlier this morning and wanted to know if I could meet her for lunch.  I did and it was so nice to get out of the house and go sit with her for a while and catch up.   I know I haven't blogged lately.  Things have been so difficult for me.  I am just in a huge depressive funk that I am having a really hard time getting out of.   When I got home I got some old pictures in the mail from my Dad's old girlfriend of a really long time.   They made me smile and it was really nice she sent them to me.  I am having a hard time feeling very alone lately.   I know I am not, but I just feel that way.   Another friend of mine suggested I start blogging again, so I am going to try to do so.   I have such a warm feeling in my heart that people are out there that care about me and that I do matter.  Today I really am feeling it.