Self Destruction

I hate myself today.  I am having really bad thoughts.  I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen to me and understand.   I am trying to forget how shitty I am feeling and I am going to try to make this a positive day.  I don't know what else to say.   I like to think I have a good heart but I don't know how when I do bad things constantly.  This isn't about me having bad self esteem.   I honestly do and think about doing these bad things.   I wish I had everything that I wanted.  But I don't think I ever will.