I am having a colonopscy tomorrow and I am having a lot of anxiety for some reason.   I am not worried about tomorrow, well maybe a little bit but I just wanna get the shitting over with ASAP!  I have been depressed lately but when Ed is home I seem to be happy.  It's just when I am by myself I seem to be down.  I also seem to be bored often too even though I have a lot of chores to do.  I hope I can pull myself out of my funk and try to LIVE again.  I joined Weight Watchers it seems like wow, almost a month ago and I have only been to one meeting.  I think I am losing weight though.  Not a lot, but maybe just a little.  I am eating better however and much much less.  Since we got a new bed my back is hurting much less too.  I am sleeping in it way to much though.  I don't know what else to write at this moment but I found some cool journal prompts on Pinterest that I am going to try.  

I lost my Mojo

Past few days have been pretty wild.   I started to see a therapist.  We have the "get to know me" questions out of the way but we pretty much both agreed that I am somewhat suicidal.  Only plan I have is to take all my pills if I get in that moment but I have been very very low and very very almost there.   She suggested that Ed takes my meds, the important ones and puts them in a lock box just for now.  Not forever of course but until I feel somewhat stable again and know I won't hurt myself (or anyone else).  So we did that.  This morning I felt two different ways about what us agreeing to do that.  I couldn't sleep for shit yesterday and I can't today.  That one feeling I felt was all fuzzy when I had to ask him for an anxiety pill because I couldn't turn off my thoughts.  Hoping it would work I felt like Daddy's girl and that he was taking care of me.  When it didn't work, I felt that I never really realized how much I depend on them to get me thru the day.  I always thought it was just I take them mostly at night to sleep and my anti depressants and all and I am just FINE.  I am so far from it.  I think this eventually will make me so much more stronger to learn different coping tools or mechanisms to not rely on meds so much to get thru my day for everything.

Just got home from taking his brother in law to a doc appt and had some energy still left in me and I really wanna clean up this room with all the clothes, papers, etc.   In like a minute I lost it. I lost that feeling of, I am gonna get shit done!   One of the things on my mind was blogging when I couldn't sleep earlier so I figured maybe talking about it more would help me.   I am hiding in my room because I just don't want to be around my brother in law right now.  He is seeming to have an off day and I have been isolating myself anyhow a lot.  I know it's not good to isolate but he's not the best company.   Ed will be home in an hour so I will just socialize then.  Having him as a room mate has been so fucking hard for me.  I can't wait till it ends.  I think I might throw a party, honestly, I just might.  Invite all of my non friends.  Hah.  It's crazy because they would come too.   I am going to edit this and try really hard to at least put away my new clothes.  Yes, they are still in their shopping bags.  I have energy to do absolutely nothing lately.  It's the worst.

Bad Friend/Bad Person

I have been feeling lately that I am a bad friend.  I think I have chose a few wrong ones, but I know that I have also chose a few right ones.  I have a ton of guilt and shame because I can't or don't keep plans because people just don't seem to understand or get me. (Totally not why I don't keep the plans)  I wish these people, hell I wish everyone really understood depression.   I wish they understood it like I was living it.  I am trying really hard here NOT to use it as my crutch, but frankly, it's the only exuse for my actions and the reason I have changed from that old bubbly cheerful Melanie to what I am now.  And I don't even know how to describe what I am now.  I have been getting and hearing some of why don't I hear from you anymore?  Why this, why that?  I try to explain it, but I sound and feel like a broken record.  I feel like no one understands unless they go thru what I do.  And they do.  There are more people than I thought know so much and understand.  I was shocked when I joined some Bi polar 2 groups on Facebook.  Maybe they are my people.  Maybe I should start trying to become friends with them and be more active in those groups.  I am trying to be positive though and I hate to say this, but they all seem soooooooooo low.  Lower than me if that is even possible.   And well I guess it is.  My throat is closing up some and I am getting teary eyed writing this because I really really miss who i used to be.  I try so hard, but I can't please everyone.  Not even myself.

It's Been a While

I have been wanting to write now for months and I am finally doing it at 4:20 AM.  Such a significant time huh?   I have to chuckle.  I have been very depressed now for a few months.  All I want to do is sleep.  My bed and my pillows are my sanctuary.  I am taking a few different meds for my migraines and they seem to be working but I don't think that is what is making me depressed.  I think it's all the medications I am on it's just so hard for me to want to stay awake.  I get bored easily.  I am losing interest in a lot.   But I am trying to start again.  I am seeing a therapist but we are just starting out but I like her so far.   She gave me some gatherings I can go to where others meet every week.  If I can stay out of my bed when they have them or if I am brave enough I would like to go.  I found some things on Pinterest on blogging challenges and they look fun and interesting and will really jog my mind a bit.  Better than staring at my phone all the time and playing games to pass the time.  Easter is coming up this Sunday and just thinking about it is missing my family.   I hope I can see them around this Xmas or before. 

It's Been One of Those Weeks

I haven't sat down and written and so long.  I lost interest in it like a lot of things I seem to enjoy once in my life.  I have been asked a few times by my best friend if I have sat down and journaled lately lately and of course my answer was always no.  I told her it was a good idea to maybe start again but of course I never did.  Until now.   

My anxiety has been very high this week.  It started out as a good week I thought but ended on a bad note. I got into a pretty big argument with my best friend and I she was pretty hurt at my anger and how I was yelling at her. We have patched things up and are OK now but I still feel bad about it.   Most of my anxiety is over my relationship and where I want to be in my life. Same old song and dance really.   I am going home to NJ at the end of this month for 6 days.  I can't believe he is OK with it.  But I find myself worrying about him while I will be gone.  Of course I would rather that he be with me, but then of course his Mother AKA the WITCH won't let him take off of work.   I know it is good for me though to go home and see my family and few friends and have just some me time.  I just wish I didn't worry so much if he will be OK, or will he take care of the animals OK, or what will he do with his time while I am gone?  I haven't been separated from him for this long since he was in jail for 10 days back in the beginning of our relationship. I also had so much going on at that time to sit and wonder about him since we were getting kicked out of where we lived.   Anyway, back to this past week, I am not sleeping well.  I have so much I want to and need to accomplish before I leave in just about 2 and a half weeks and I haven't even started or honestly know where to begin.  I feel frazzled.   All I want to do it seems is sit on my butt and chat to friends or do my social media thing, ya know, the fun interests I have, the easy and simple ones, the ones that bring me joy and help keep me somewhat happy and maybe put a smile on my face.   I hope I can get my butt in gear tomorrow and/or Sunday and get started on what I need and want to get done.  As I am writing this, I am thinking I should make a list.  At least it will be all written down and I can check off the things as I get them done. I am however very  much looking forward to seeing my family and my few friends.  I wish I would stop worrying so much about small petty things or things I can not control.   Not sure if that will ever be one of the things I can say I have mastered though.  But then again, who does have that mastered?  Surely not anyone I know.    

Everyday is a Struggle

Today started out on somewhat of a bad note for me.  I am proud of myself for making myself get up and stay up and get a few things done.  It also meant spending a few hours this morning with my husband when he is at his most chattiest.  Also when he has high anxiety.  He becomes super needy.  So after I did something for him (looking up a place that he could have easily done himself on his phone) I rushed and said I am getting in the shower.   Once I got out I tried to relax a bit and wait for him to leave so I could get myself ready to get out the door and do what I wanted to do.  He made a comment to me and I snipped back at him and he said you know what?  Shook his hand and said bye.  And left.   It left a very sour feeling inside of me.  I was angry and then started to get depressed.  I kept telling myself to fight the urge of sitting on the couch all day or going back to bed and just go do what you have to do.  I got out of the house and felt better.  I remembered it was Friday and that it was my best friend's day off sometimes.  I thought about her and wanted to reach out to her.  We haven't talked for some time and I wasn't sure why, but I didn't care. I missed her and I wanted to tell her. I did and it was nice to finally talk a bit again.   I watched a few shows, laughed my ass off and enjoyed myself.  I have been telling myself for some time now that the weather is so nice outside I just want to sit out back in my patio and enjoy it.  I am always, ALWAYS inside.  Today I turned the TV off, got up and grabbed one of my new books that I am reading and am now enjoying myself.   The book is about a woman's escape from depression and suicide.   I am really enjoying it.  And hoping I learn a few tips from it.  And well I guess I am, because one of the tips is to get your feelings and your thoughts out.  Doing this, journaling is allowing me to do that.  To NOT keep them all inside.   I have been sleeping so much again lately.   I had a few good days last week and then I went right back into my depression.  I have to fight everyday to make the best of the day and night.  I am always too quick to give up and just say fuck it, pop a sleeping pill and go back to bed.  I am proud to say that even though I have had a migraine for the past few hours I am doing everything I can to just enjoy this day and I hope to have a good evening as well.  

Self Destruction

I hate myself today.  I am having really bad thoughts.  I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen to me and understand.   I am trying to forget how shitty I am feeling and I am going to try to make this a positive day.  I don't know what else to say.   I like to think I have a good heart but I don't know how when I do bad things constantly.  This isn't about me having bad self esteem.   I honestly do and think about doing these bad things.   I wish I had everything that I wanted.  But I don't think I ever will.