Self Destruction

I hate myself today.  I am having really bad thoughts.  I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen to me and understand.   I am trying to forget how shitty I am feeling and I am going to try to make this a positive day.  I don't know what else to say.   I like to think I have a good heart but I don't know how when I do bad things constantly.  This isn't about me having bad self esteem.   I honestly do and think about doing these bad things.   I wish I had everything that I wanted.  But I don't think I ever will. 

Blessed

I had a few nice surprises today.  My best friend texted me earlier this morning and wanted to know if I could meet her for lunch.  I did and it was so nice to get out of the house and go sit with her for a while and catch up.   I know I haven't blogged lately.  Things have been so difficult for me.  I am just in a huge depressive funk that I am having a really hard time getting out of.   When I got home I got some old pictures in the mail from my Dad's old girlfriend of a really long time.   They made me smile and it was really nice she sent them to me.  I am having a hard time feeling very alone lately.   I know I am not, but I just feel that way.   Another friend of mine suggested I start blogging again, so I am going to try to do so.   I have such a warm feeling in my heart that people are out there that care about me and that I do matter.  Today I really am feeling it. 

I haven't written in so long.  I don't even know where to start or much what to say.  My birthday was yesterday and as I do every year, I try to celebrate.  I chose to celebrate tonight.   I had some drinks and I am feeling good, but I am coming down from my high now and it is time to rest.  A lot has been going on with me and my body and as always I don't understand it.   I started bleeding out of control again on Friday.   I am still bleeding but I started my birth control back up so it has been less.  The pain was so severe.  I have never had a time like that where I was bleeding so bad when I was so tired.  I slept so much.  When I was awake all I wanted to do was sleep to take the pain away.   I just had surgery and I don't know why my body is doing this.   I hope it stops for good but that remains to be seen.  Anyway, I am going to go relax and watch some TV and probably eat.   That has been off track again too. My eating.   I don't know if I can ever stick to a diet.  Oh well.  

Wide Awake

I have felt like this for the past day and a half.  I want to relax and I have tried to relax and to no avail, I just can't sleep.  I was lazy all day and just took a day to myself.  Did what I wanted to do. Caught up on TV shows on the DVR, cooked, relaxed, spent some time playing Internet games and going on the social sites I enjoy.  Told myself that I will go to bed early tonight and I will wake up early tomorrow and get everything done that I was putting off today.  At this point I am not really sure when I will go lay down and give this sleep thing another try so I can just rest my mind.   I just took a muscle relaxer because my back is killing me and I want to do something useful with this energy.  So I am going to go get to it because I know if i keep sitting on my ass I won't use this energy like I want.   Wow.  You would think it was the other way around.  I would take the muscle relaxer so I can relax and just chill.  But seriously, I just don't wanna right now.  I am enjoying my high and my insomnia.  Till tomorrow....

Opening Up..

What a roller coaster of a week it has been so far. And it's only Wednesday!  Sunday morning I went out and had a nice time with a few people taking pictures of just random things. We started off in an old cemetery and then moved to a nature trail.  It was A LOT of walking.  Too much for my body since I am not on my exercise/diet kick anymore.  My friend and I barely spoke the whole ride home because we were so tired.  I came home and slept for 6 hours. But taking this adventure really inspired something in me.  My love of photos and photography.  I even spent most of the day that I was awake on Sunday and part of Monday putting together my own site of my favorite pictures. The link is below.   Not sure what happened in that head of mine between Sunday day/night and Monday morning but I felt a rush of bad feelings coming in.  I was extremely overwhelmed, sad, unhappy, frustrated, angry and for the most part I am not even really sure why. Monday was a decent start but just a horrible day.  Tuesday morning I couldn't stop crying.  I haven't had an episode of uncontrollable crying in a really long time.  If I was crying for a while, at least I thought that I had good reasons in the past. I didn't even know why I couldn't stop this time.  I went to a support group today for anxiety and moods.  I fought with myself all morning if I was going to go or not.  The doubts that I was coming up with in my mind such as can I afford the gas to get there,will I be too tired etc etc?  I am so glad I went.  I left out of there laughing and feeling like I could conquer the world.  It was just an hour of other people who are so much like me discussing issues.  I am not quite sure why I felt so much better, but I just did.  I have been having a really hard time relaxing these past few weeks.  I am going to keep fighting to become a better me.  I am so far away from where I want to be, but I will keep at it and I want to start by writing more.  This helps me so much and I stopped it for a while there.  I hope whoever is reading this and if they are wondering what is going on in my life that they poke me, call me or write me and and ask why I haven't been keeping up with this.  I like sharing my thoughts and I actually enjoy other people that I do trust to read them.  I think it's kinda neat that I am opening myself up more so than I ever have and I never even knew that was possible since I am a very very open person.    

Link to my photography website..

https://melsphotographyadventures.shutterfly.com/#

I have been extremely tired this week.  I stopped taking my Abilify about a lil over a week ago because it was giving me very bad migraines.  The migraines went away but now I am always tired.  I am sleeping a lot.  That is also causing my back to hurt and ache more and my ankles as well.  I am exercising less and eating bad again.  Well yesterday was a bad day eating wise.  The other days I have been keeping myself on track.  I don't see my psych doc for another month.   Thinking I should probably put in a phone call today to see if she can get me in sooner or prescribe something else.  Besides all of that everything has been going very well for me.  I am going to see my therapist today and I will be attending the group before hand.  Hubby has an appt today also with the psych doc to start his process.   I just wish this pain would go away for me.  I hope it will soon.   I am still trying hard to work on my diet and get the weight off but I know it's going to be a slow process.   

Surgery Scheduled

So I am having the ablation done finally.  They scheduled me for Sept 11th of all days.  But it's a good thing for sure.   I am still struggling with being too hard on myself with the weight loss and all.  My ankles have been killing me all weekend.  I need to slow down and remind myself that this is going to take twice as long to get rid of it than it was to put it on.   All and all I am doing pretty well though.  I am trying to wean myself off of the Vistarill that I use to help me sleep.  I am finding if I am more active during the day I can sleep easier at night.  Who would have thunk that right?  Ha ha.    

Today was a Good Day!

Tuesdays are always my busy days.  Hubby gets paid and then I do most of the running around.  Errands and what not.   I had an appointment today to start the Depo Provera shot.  My gynecologist suggested that is what I should do to help my irregular menstrual bleeding.  So I had some time to kill before the doctor and I went to Planet Fitness.  I spoke with a new friend about joining and she is already a member there.  My therapist also suggested it.  I have a feeling I am really going to like it there! I didn't sign up just yet but I am going to next week I believe.  It's a money issue. It's not expensive after I pay the initial start up fee.  Only $10 a month!   After that I went to the doctor.  The nurse took me in and we chatted a bit.  Come to find out, the Depo Provera shot is NOT good for someone who has depression or psychological issues.  I didn't tell my gynecologist about my hospitalization.  I tend to always forget that depression, psychological issues and hormones all go together.  It also causes weight gain.  So I said no way.  I am not doing this.  I just got out of the pysch hospital I told her.  She agreed and confirmed it with the doctor too.  So I am to call or go back and tell him I want the oblation done.   It will be difficult because I have a separated uterus.   I have two canals.  The doctor said it could be done though.  But he wanted me to give the Depo shot a try first.  I had to borrow money from my parents twice mind you to pay for the visit.  I spent the first part my Mom sent me so my Dad sent it to me again.  I spent the first part on helping my Dexter kitty with his urinary tract infection.  That was in my very first blog.   Well, I have lost 3 pounds so far and that was with me on the scale wearing sneakers!!   While I was waiting for the doctor to see me I typed up this memo on my phone.  

You are beautiful!!
You are a good person.
You will get thru this.
You will FIGHT this bipolar disorder!!!
Remember how CARING you are!!!
You WILL lose this weight.

I am proud of myself.  The nurse said I was inspiring her!   That's the best compliment I have got in a long long time!  I hope tomorrow is just as good as today was for me!

Confidence

I don't have much.  I keep struggling with it. 

My insecurities are SCREAMING right now. They have been all day.  I met a new friend today.  She seems to have it all together.  Not broken, not like me.  She's fun and she seems like a very nice down to earth person.  My kind of people.  I have some confidence but I feel like I don't have it more than the times that I do.  Fighting every day to become a better person.  This is so HARD!!!

Want To. Need To. HAVE TO.

Saturday evening.
I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin.  I am manic again.  Or maybe it was just too much caffeine.  I keep getting those high highs and the low lows.  I don't want to tweak my medications anymore.   I just need to figure out a way to deal with things without always running for the pill bottle or let's try this.   I wish life wasn't this hard.  I am so freaking tired, but I can't sleep. 

Sunday Morning.
I saw my therapist on Friday.   It was all me, but somehow my weight started to get discussed.  And how unhappy I am with myself and all of the physical aliments that I am having that are mostly contributed to my weight.  Oh, I remember now, I was talking about birth control and the Provera pill they are giving me to help control my irregular menstrual bleeding. I can only be on that pill for 10 days and no more because of my weight because it could cause heart attacks and other bad things.  So she asked me, would you like some help with this?   I said YEA! with a big sigh of relief. So we talked and we discussed counting calories, diets, changing the way one eats etc.  She mentioned an app called my fitness pal. I told her I have used it before but I never stuck to it.  When I go on the computer I am distracted by social media and what others are doing I don't pay attention to myself.  I was using it when I was going to school for Medical Coding and Billing.  I was having serious issues with the uniforms fitting me correctly.   That's when my teacher introduced me to it and was saying how much weight her husband has lost with it.  Well when I started struggling in school, I of course turned right back to bad food and stopped doing fitness pal app.  Well I am proud to say that as of Saturday morning I am back to counting my calories and it asks you about everything. It asks you about Exercise and how much you do and everything you eat, everything you do during the day and evening while you are awake.  I am really enjoying it and I want to stick to this.  I had such a rough time Friday evening after Ed went to bed.  I just felt all alone again.  It didn't help that when I went to go take our movie rentals back that my favorite jeans split really really bad right in the middle of my ass.  My plan after I was going to take the movies back was to go get some kind of fried dessert.  Apple Pies or something from Checkers.  HA!.  Not after that I didn't!  I was furious and so upset with myself.  But when I came back home I was having a really hard time with it.  I am very happy and proud of myself that I turned something very negative into a big positive.  I am hoping it will stay this way.  I have to be hopeful.  It's really all I got.  I also want to thank my friends that helped me when I was down and I reached out to them.  It's so nice that I have a few people in my life who I know are true to me and not out to hurt me.

"HER"

So I am sitting here being awaken around 1:00 AM.  My sleeping was finally getting better.  But I had a nightmare this time.  I don't have them often which is a good thing. But it pretty much put me back into check and brought me down a bit from my high mania I was experiencing.  That isn't what I want to write about though.  It was just a bad dream, it involved me and my husband breaking up again for the final time.  I hope that never happens and especially not like it did in the bad dream of what I can remember it anyway.   I want to talk about HER.

HER is an ex girlfriend of mine.  Someone I have known for over 8 years.  She has been in and out of my life like a revolving door all of those 8 years.   Other women have come and go but I always go back to her and she me.  She has some kind of hold on me that I wish would get released.  She has been such a big part of my mind and thoughts, lately more so but usually most of the time.  I just don't understand why though.  

She is a very depressed human being who seems to just loathe life. I feel the need and want to just help her.  To help her see that life is worth living, that it is to be enjoyed.  Everything that goes on is not a drama episode.  But I have failed to do that.  Nothing can seem to change her mind.  This is who she is.  This is how she wants it and how she likes it.  She would make you believe otherwise though.  

We shared a lot of good times, but also a lot of bad times.  She has ripped my heart out of my chest, stabbed it with her daggers and always wants to repair the damage.  I won't allow her to do it anymore.  This woman even asked me to marry her.  Even sent me rings here to Florida from NJ.   I have never put them on my finger, or shall I say, she never has and never will.   I will always be the girl that got away....

I feel like I need to stand up for myself and just keep living.   I am guarding my heart from now on.  No longer wearing it on my sleeve.   I hope that I can protect it from all the bad out there
that want to hurt me.  

    

Well for the past few days I can finally say that I am in a good place.  I feel like me again.  I feel happy and content and at peace.  I am enjoying life and living every day and night to the fullest.  Not everyone that was in my life seems to enjoy seeing that part of me though but they know what they can do with that nonsense!  More on HER later.   Just a quick update to say guess what?  I am finally OK!

Mania

So I have been thinking a lot about manic episodes.  Mania is something people with bi polar experience a lot.  They can be highs or lows, but they are usually out of the ordinary and in high gear. Meaning that they are overwhelming high or overwhelming low.   Last night, I felt one of a high coming on.   When I experience high mania I actually enjoy it.  I feel alive and I feel high and I am in a very good mood and in a great state of mind (or so I think).    I felt the high before I even knew I was feeling it.   I turned on music out of the blue after dinner and started cleaning.  I haven't had much energy for any of that lately, so I knew this was out of the ordinary. Then I started talking with a high school friend about the tragic passing of Robin Williams.  He mentioned that it's hard to ask for help and he just only did so a few years ago and got on medication himself.  Then the conversation turned from a decent one about mental illness into his and mine past.  Yes, he is someone I went to high school with but he was just that, just someone I went to high school with.   In the later years, we would meet up again and it would be for one thing and one thing only.  SEX.   Sex is my other high.  My other I can never get enough of.   My other reckless behavior.   Just talking to him about our old times was making me feel things I haven't felt in months.  It felt good, but I also knew it was very bad.  I have been staying away from anything with that three letter word (SEX) because I know it's a weakness for me. Here is a list of things I feel that I am addicted to.  

1.  FOOD
2.  SEX
3.  ALCOHOL

We need food to survive and live and although we don't need the other 2 they are always nice once in a while and in my case perfect together.  Don't get me wrong, I do NOT have to be drinking or drunk to have sex though.  It just enhances it for me, that's all.  So, back to our conversation after I found myself telling him that I want him, I abruptly ended it and said I needed to go.  I don't trust myself.  I don't trust my urges or feelings and even though he is very far away, it doesn't matter.  I know that thinking of him and being with him will consume me.   It's a very bad habit of what I do when I really like someone.  That makes me think of another subject.   Poly relationships.  

Poly relationships is always something I have been extremely interested in.  I am lucky that I got my husband though to share me the little that he does, I know he would never go for a poly man in my life.  A woman who he could be involved with too, yes of course.  But not a man.   I wish he would trust  US and our relationship to know that he is my #1 and that I wouldn't go run off with Tom, Dick or Harry.  Sigh, I can't have it all right?  

So in conclusion, I haven't been sleeping well due to my doctor trying something different with my meds once again.   So I have been experiencing some insomnia and some manias.  I am going to try to enjoy the good ones for now and the productive ones (that is what they seem to be so far) and stay away from the bad, negative ones or ones that make me very depressed.  I am doing my work and I have the tools to help keep myself going on the straight and narrow.  I just need to keep reminding myself of how strong I am. Sometimes that's just so hard.      

     

My first attempt at trying to help myself.

This is my experience that I went through a few weeks ago.  This was the first time I ever tried to do anything like this for myself.

July 25, 2014

Carla I believe her name was answered the door when I arrived. I have already spoke to her on the phone to tell her I was on my way. She gave me paperwork and put me in the locked room. She was with another client and didn't give me any instructions on what to do after I was done filling out the paperwork. I wouldn't see her again or anyone for that matter for at least an hour. When she was done with the client ahead of me she asked if anyone took my paperwork. I responded with no, we have been in here waiting. My husband came with me. She instructed me I was to ring the bell when I was done and I told her no one told me anything. I also said, “You gave me no instructions”. She took my paperwork and by this time I was very even more agitated and frustrated then I was after I walked in. Security took our belongings and we were left to sit in this nasty locked room. It was extremely dirty, smelled and looked like a jail. I continued waiting for another half hour. I was starting to freak out a little so I got up to ring the bell. An employee who was at her desk looked at me twice and ignored me. I rang it again. A nurse then came from around a corner and asked me very nasty what I needed. I didn't catch her name. I expressed to her that no one at all has asked me while I was there or anything and that I was ready to go back home now and deal with this the best way I could on my own. I asked her If I could have my belongings and she said no I can not. She then asked if I was suicidal and I said no, not at all. She said well you still need to wait and closed the door on me. Before she closed the door in my face, she told me that it is shift change. So I knew what that meant, more waiting. Now I was really panicking. I couldn't take it anymore. My husband started to yell because he was upset that no one would help me. An employee named Mary came barging through the door with security and said I have worked here for 10 years, who is yelling? My husband told her that he was and tried to explain our situation again to yet someone else who wouldn't help. She threatened to call the police on us because we were screaming. I told her to go ahead, at least then, maybe someone will help me. The security guy popped his head back in and said it will be a few more minutes. He was the only one who had the decency to check in on us and keep us updated. We had no way of telling time or anything. 20 minutes after that around 11:00 or so I am guessing Margen came in and sat down with me and finally asked what was going on. I told her my story again and about what I was experiencing while she was on her way into work for the night. She completely understood and asked me if I even wanted an assessment at this point. I told her no, I do not, I just want to go home. She said you are basically just done right? I said yes I am. It wouldn't have been so bad if I was taken at least after Carla was done with her first client. But I had to wait another hour because it was shift change and I guess no one wanted to take on another patient. They weren't busy except for whoever they were dealing with on the Detox side. I was neglected and felt very mistreated. I would like to file a formal complaint against Mary and Carla. Margen and the security guard were the only ones who took the time to help us. I have also reported all of this to Dr. Beth Hearn. She documented what I have said also. I do hope that this doesn't happen to someone else in the future. The way things are running there are not good for anyone else in a similar situation to mine. I did not have any experience with this before. This was a first for me. I will not ever be going back to that place because it was a nightmare for me. If I have issues in the future I will be attending my local ER.

I finally went.

I finally said OK, I give in.  I threw in the towel, put up the white flag whatever you wanna call it.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I have been strong for way too long.   After a night of drinking and giving my husband holy hell he finally passed out around 4 am.   I was wide awake and didn't trust myself.   I woke him up and said I need to go to the hospital.  I sat down on my couch and dialed 211.   My call couldn't be connected.  OK, so I tried again.  Same thing.  So I knew who I could call next to help me.  I dialed 911.   I told the operator that I was in fear that I was going to do something to hurt myself.  I didn't know what it would be or how I would do it, I just didn't like my thinking or thought process.  She told me an officer was on his way.   He came in and asked me what was going on.  I told him that I was going Thur a lot of things and I just felt like giving up.  I already had somewhat of an overnight bag packed from the previous week when I tried to go to the hospital that my doctor is with. That is a whole other story.  I will stick to this one for now.   He told me to go get dressed and grab a few things and he will take me to the hospital.  He said I look like a very nice person and he isn't going to use the cuffs on me.   He also told me that he has his degree in Psychology and that everything will be OK.  When I was gathering my things he spoke to my husband a bit and then off we went.  I was crying, I was scared and I just didn't know what to expect. The officer and I talked most of the car ride there.  Once we got there he took me in and reassured me that they will be taking very good care of me.  He mentioned his buddy is working tonight and he will make sure that I receive the best care.  After the nurse did my vitals and all I was put into a room in front of the front desk for a bit.  Shortly after, a doctor came in to assess me.  He asked me lots and lots of questions.  I answered them all the best I could.  After our assessment he felt that I did need to be transported over to the Behavioral Mental Health hospital or the Psych Hospital. It felt like so many hours were passing by as I was waiting to be transferred.  I was watching the morning news, I was trying to sleep but got woken up by breakfast.   It would be 6 hours later and then I was finally moved.  They put me on the gurney and seat belted me in.  I was laughing to myself thinking wow they are strapping me down.  They told me they aren't restraints they are just seat belts for the short ride to the psych hospital.  So we get there and they wheel me in to the hospital.   I get seen by the nurse who does more evaluations on me and she was very very nice.  After she gets me to my room and I start to get a bit comfortable, I called him and asked him to bring me some clothes and the only day to do it was today.  Visiting hours were on Sat/Sun and Thursday.  Today was Sunday.   I told him what I needed and then my nurse said that the doctor was ready to see me.  I quickly got off the phone and followed her into the doctor's office.   I told her briefly why I was there too and that I needed to get stabilized on better medication.  I told her I was diagnosed with bi polar depression a few years back.   She asked me if I have ever been on a few different meds and I said no to most of them.  She was surprised she said. She also asked me what medications have I been on in the past and I told her those.  We agreed to take me off of the Prestique and put me back on Zoloft.   She also wanted to put me on something else called Lithium.  It is a very old drug and she said that it works well in bi polar patients.   I was willing to try anything at this point, so I agreed.  She mentioned that at certain points of me taking this medication I need to have my blood checked or what they call Lithium levels.  I told her I have no problem doing that, I go to doctors on a regular basis anyhow.  So by this time it was almost lunch time.  My first day in the cafeteria.  I know NO ONE.   It's like the first day of school in a new town which luckily for me I never had to experience.   I sit down next to the weirdest and yuckiest person there but I didn't know that at the time.  I heard a guy say she will learn, she will learn.   I got up to take my tray to the trash can and he starts to pull out his colostomy bag right there in the lunch room.  The guy that said "she'll learn" said omg so disgusting right here in the lunch room?   I walked up to him and I said can you warn someone next time?   He said don't worry you won't have to sit with him again.   I would meet with a few different social workers as well in the next few days.  They would talk to me about being my own person and not allowing my significant other to stress me out anymore.  They gave me some tips and tools to help myself along the way.  The Lithium that the doctor put me on has raised my blood pressure extremely high.  It also gives me migraines and makes me have to pee every half hour.  I don't know what to do and I don't know if I should still take it, but I need to play it cool if I wanted to get out of here.  I was not willing to stay any longer. I felt so bad for the people that were in there.  A lot of them were hearing voices and had extreme memory loss.  I didn't have any of those, I was just in a rough place for a long time.  I felt better and wanted to go home.  I thought Tuesday was going to be my day.  The doctor than asked me if I have had any levels done with the Lithium.  I said what do you mean?  He said I needed my blood drawn and that I couldn't go home until that was done.  Well I made sure every nurse there knew that is what he said to me.  And the next morning now came and guess what?  He never put the order in.  You wanna know why?   I figured this out after the fact.  You need to be on Lithium more than 3 days before you have a level done.  More like a few weeks or so.   ASSHAT!   So anyway, Wednesday came and he finally agreed to let me go.  I stopped the Lithium because of all of the bad side effects it was giving me.  I just got off the phone with my psychologist also.  My appointment is for next Thursday with her and I saw a therapist yesterday at the Mental Health Association.  I am going to a group today to help improve self skills and all the positive things. 

Things are still going rough at home with me and him.  He finally made the phone call yesterday to get his own help. This was something he promised me back in May.  If he doesn't follow through with this, I am absolutely going to have to move on.  I am doing this on my own and working on my issues but if he isn't willing to work on his, then I don't know what else to do.  I have to just go.  

My Beginning of Being Unstable

It started when I got bit by a tick from out in the woods where I lived. I think I was 14 or 15 at that time. My dad's girlfriend came down with something called Lymes Disease.  Shortly after, so did he.  But this wasn't a contagious disease.  It was just actually a coincidence that this was happening to both of them.  And then the neighbor had it down the street and the neighbor that lived behind us.   And then I got it.  I went through months of testing to rule out everything else since I didn't have the trade mark bull's eye or rash. That is the first sign that you have the disease.  When they finally realized that is what I had, they started treatment immediately.  My dad took us to this great doctor called Dr. Eddie.  He was an amazing, helpful man.  He helped my dad out so much and got him back to normal, so of course he wanted to take me to him also.  I started 8 weeks of IV therapy.  I was receiving antibiotics intravenously thru an IV that I had to keep in my arm for the whole 8 weeks.  I had to sleep with it, I had to shower with it and I had to go in to the office I believe on a weekly basis if I remember correctly to receive my treatment.  This happened after they tried me on oral antibiotics for a month and I wasn't getting any better.   I was always a B and C student in school and now I was getting D's and F's.  Something was clearly wrong with my brain and what was going on with me.  I couldn't grasp things as quick or as fast as I used to.  I couldn't understand many many things that my teachers were trying to teach me.  I was failing.  I was on something they called home bound.  They felt this would help me get my grades back up while I was sick.  A teacher would come to my home in the evening and sit with me at the dinner table and go over my assignments and homework and so on.  It was just like being in school except at my home.   I don't remember fully if it helped or not to improve my grades, but at least it kept me still in the system. That was until I was 16 years old. My best friend who was a year older than me got her driver's license.  She would skip school regularly because frankly she hated it there.  And with me home most of the time, I got into that routine and I never wanted to go back.  I would stay home after my dad went to work all day.  He thought I was still being good and doing what I was supposed to be doing.  But I was starting to become reckless. He of course eventually found out and I agreed after much arguing that I would work during the day and then I would attend night school and I would still get my high school diploma that way.  I also suffered intense migraines after the treatment was over for the Lymes.   I have one right now and it is reminding me of those times. I get snappy and bitchy and I just hate the world thinking why me?   I actually think the migraine I have right now is a result of drinking last night, but who knows.  I used to take so much aspirin and it would never work.  My dad started taking me to a neurologist.  He was a kind Indian man and he really knew what he was doing.  I had to get injections in the back of my neck to help the pain.  And it did help, a lot.  I just feel that because of this Lymes Disease that is what really messed my brain up and the reason why I am unstable and suffer from depression and now ultimately, I am bi polar.  I think I should probably just suck it up and go rest for now.  I am trying to be strong and trying not to take naps, but this pain is unbearable and I have had way too much caffeine so far to try to shake it.   http://www.cdc.gov/lyme/
http://www.cdc.gov/lyme/postLDS/index.html

Not exactly sure where to begin here.  I will just start off with what is on my mind as of right now I guess.  I am a very overly sensitive human being who suffers from the joys of bipolar depression disorder.   This disorder as I call it for now controls and runs my life.   It's the very reason why I am awake right now when all I really wish to be doing is sleeping like normal people do at 11:23 PM on a weeknight.   It causes me extreme anxiety, really high highs, extremely low lows and everything in between.  

I have no children, just my 2 kitty cats and my huge dog.   But they are like my children and I treat them pretty much as such since I do not have any and more and likely will never be able to conceive one myself.   As of present, we figured out tonight that my one cat, the younger one of the two has yet another urinary tract blockage.   We have been so blessed to find a wonderful vet who takes very good care of animals and doesn't charge an arm and a leg and even is letting us make payments on what we owe him currently.  So I get to make the dreaded phone call when they open tomorrow morning and tell them we need his services once again.   The vet I took him to before who charges way too much money told me that this will be an underlying condition for him.  I guess in a sense, he will ALWAYS have this issue.   There are little things you can do to help him and to try to prevent his bladder from more irritation and going thru this all the time, but they are very small  things and we have done some of her suggestions and it just doesn't seem to help.   

I am finally coming back to my normal self or whatever that is from about a week or so of wanting to do nothing but sleep and stay in my bed.   I was extremely depressed and just couldn't function.  Now I am trying to make up for lost time per say and I feel a bit manic and extremely anxious about everything.  I also am often wondering when I will take a turn for the worse per say and hit my bottom again.   Sometimes I am good for weeks and can stay on course and function somewhat normally and all.   I hate to think negatively like that, but it's just the pattern I am used to.   

And just FYI.  I have been on anti depressant medication since I was a teenager.  I have no problem taking my meds and I take them every day just like I am supposed to.   It seems as I get older though, and more problems arise, my levels need to often be adjusted and other ones added in here and there.   It's frustrating to say the least.   I have come to find out recently that taking meds is just not enough.  I also need the help of a therapist to talk it out per say as to what goes on in my current life.   There is a great mental health association here in my town so I am grateful for that.  The only bad thing is my current therapist who I have been working with for about 6 months or so is now retiring.  I liked her a lot and felt very comfortable with her.  So, now I get to go to see someone else.  Someone new.  A male this time, which will be different because of course I feel more comfortable with a woman but they felt his gentle demeanor and all would match up good with my case.   I am waiting to hear from them as to when my first appointment with him will be.  That is another whole ball of anxiety weighing on me.   

I often at times feel lost and alone and afraid.  I know I have a good group of friends out there and my family that love and care about me, but no one I don't think quite understands what I go through all the time on a day to day basis.  I feel crazy more than most of the time and sometimes I feel that is the way I come off to others.  I don't like the stereotype label or being "that girl".   I don't think there is anything I can do about it though.  This is me. 

Here is my Dexter kitty.  I hope he will be ok.