"HER"

So I am sitting here being awaken around 1:00 AM.  My sleeping was finally getting better.  But I had a nightmare this time.  I don't have them often which is a good thing. But it pretty much put me back into check and brought me down a bit from my high mania I was experiencing.  That isn't what I want to write about though.  It was just a bad dream, it involved me and my husband breaking up again for the final time.  I hope that never happens and especially not like it did in the bad dream of what I can remember it anyway.   I want to talk about HER.

HER is an ex girlfriend of mine.  Someone I have known for over 8 years.  She has been in and out of my life like a revolving door all of those 8 years.   Other women have come and go but I always go back to her and she me.  She has some kind of hold on me that I wish would get released.  She has been such a big part of my mind and thoughts, lately more so but usually most of the time.  I just don't understand why though.  

She is a very depressed human being who seems to just loathe life. I feel the need and want to just help her.  To help her see that life is worth living, that it is to be enjoyed.  Everything that goes on is not a drama episode.  But I have failed to do that.  Nothing can seem to change her mind.  This is who she is.  This is how she wants it and how she likes it.  She would make you believe otherwise though.  

We shared a lot of good times, but also a lot of bad times.  She has ripped my heart out of my chest, stabbed it with her daggers and always wants to repair the damage.  I won't allow her to do it anymore.  This woman even asked me to marry her.  Even sent me rings here to Florida from NJ.   I have never put them on my finger, or shall I say, she never has and never will.   I will always be the girl that got away....

I feel like I need to stand up for myself and just keep living.   I am guarding my heart from now on.  No longer wearing it on my sleeve.   I hope that I can protect it from all the bad out there
that want to hurt me.