Mania

So I have been thinking a lot about manic episodes.  Mania is something people with bi polar experience a lot.  They can be highs or lows, but they are usually out of the ordinary and in high gear. Meaning that they are overwhelming high or overwhelming low.   Last night, I felt one of a high coming on.   When I experience high mania I actually enjoy it.  I feel alive and I feel high and I am in a very good mood and in a great state of mind (or so I think).    I felt the high before I even knew I was feeling it.   I turned on music out of the blue after dinner and started cleaning.  I haven't had much energy for any of that lately, so I knew this was out of the ordinary. Then I started talking with a high school friend about the tragic passing of Robin Williams.  He mentioned that it's hard to ask for help and he just only did so a few years ago and got on medication himself.  Then the conversation turned from a decent one about mental illness into his and mine past.  Yes, he is someone I went to high school with but he was just that, just someone I went to high school with.   In the later years, we would meet up again and it would be for one thing and one thing only.  SEX.   Sex is my other high.  My other I can never get enough of.   My other reckless behavior.   Just talking to him about our old times was making me feel things I haven't felt in months.  It felt good, but I also knew it was very bad.  I have been staying away from anything with that three letter word (SEX) because I know it's a weakness for me. Here is a list of things I feel that I am addicted to.  

1.  FOOD
2.  SEX
3.  ALCOHOL

We need food to survive and live and although we don't need the other 2 they are always nice once in a while and in my case perfect together.  Don't get me wrong, I do NOT have to be drinking or drunk to have sex though.  It just enhances it for me, that's all.  So, back to our conversation after I found myself telling him that I want him, I abruptly ended it and said I needed to go.  I don't trust myself.  I don't trust my urges or feelings and even though he is very far away, it doesn't matter.  I know that thinking of him and being with him will consume me.   It's a very bad habit of what I do when I really like someone.  That makes me think of another subject.   Poly relationships.  

Poly relationships is always something I have been extremely interested in.  I am lucky that I got my husband though to share me the little that he does, I know he would never go for a poly man in my life.  A woman who he could be involved with too, yes of course.  But not a man.   I wish he would trust  US and our relationship to know that he is my #1 and that I wouldn't go run off with Tom, Dick or Harry.  Sigh, I can't have it all right?  

So in conclusion, I haven't been sleeping well due to my doctor trying something different with my meds once again.   So I have been experiencing some insomnia and some manias.  I am going to try to enjoy the good ones for now and the productive ones (that is what they seem to be so far) and stay away from the bad, negative ones or ones that make me very depressed.  I am doing my work and I have the tools to help keep myself going on the straight and narrow.  I just need to keep reminding myself of how strong I am. Sometimes that's just so hard.