I finally went.

I finally said OK, I give in.  I threw in the towel, put up the white flag whatever you wanna call it.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I have been strong for way too long.   After a night of drinking and giving my husband holy hell he finally passed out around 4 am.   I was wide awake and didn't trust myself.   I woke him up and said I need to go to the hospital.  I sat down on my couch and dialed 211.   My call couldn't be connected.  OK, so I tried again.  Same thing.  So I knew who I could call next to help me.  I dialed 911.   I told the operator that I was in fear that I was going to do something to hurt myself.  I didn't know what it would be or how I would do it, I just didn't like my thinking or thought process.  She told me an officer was on his way.   He came in and asked me what was going on.  I told him that I was going Thur a lot of things and I just felt like giving up.  I already had somewhat of an overnight bag packed from the previous week when I tried to go to the hospital that my doctor is with. That is a whole other story.  I will stick to this one for now.   He told me to go get dressed and grab a few things and he will take me to the hospital.  He said I look like a very nice person and he isn't going to use the cuffs on me.   He also told me that he has his degree in Psychology and that everything will be OK.  When I was gathering my things he spoke to my husband a bit and then off we went.  I was crying, I was scared and I just didn't know what to expect. The officer and I talked most of the car ride there.  Once we got there he took me in and reassured me that they will be taking very good care of me.  He mentioned his buddy is working tonight and he will make sure that I receive the best care.  After the nurse did my vitals and all I was put into a room in front of the front desk for a bit.  Shortly after, a doctor came in to assess me.  He asked me lots and lots of questions.  I answered them all the best I could.  After our assessment he felt that I did need to be transported over to the Behavioral Mental Health hospital or the Psych Hospital. It felt like so many hours were passing by as I was waiting to be transferred.  I was watching the morning news, I was trying to sleep but got woken up by breakfast.   It would be 6 hours later and then I was finally moved.  They put me on the gurney and seat belted me in.  I was laughing to myself thinking wow they are strapping me down.  They told me they aren't restraints they are just seat belts for the short ride to the psych hospital.  So we get there and they wheel me in to the hospital.   I get seen by the nurse who does more evaluations on me and she was very very nice.  After she gets me to my room and I start to get a bit comfortable, I called him and asked him to bring me some clothes and the only day to do it was today.  Visiting hours were on Sat/Sun and Thursday.  Today was Sunday.   I told him what I needed and then my nurse said that the doctor was ready to see me.  I quickly got off the phone and followed her into the doctor's office.   I told her briefly why I was there too and that I needed to get stabilized on better medication.  I told her I was diagnosed with bi polar depression a few years back.   She asked me if I have ever been on a few different meds and I said no to most of them.  She was surprised she said. She also asked me what medications have I been on in the past and I told her those.  We agreed to take me off of the Prestique and put me back on Zoloft.   She also wanted to put me on something else called Lithium.  It is a very old drug and she said that it works well in bi polar patients.   I was willing to try anything at this point, so I agreed.  She mentioned that at certain points of me taking this medication I need to have my blood checked or what they call Lithium levels.  I told her I have no problem doing that, I go to doctors on a regular basis anyhow.  So by this time it was almost lunch time.  My first day in the cafeteria.  I know NO ONE.   It's like the first day of school in a new town which luckily for me I never had to experience.   I sit down next to the weirdest and yuckiest person there but I didn't know that at the time.  I heard a guy say she will learn, she will learn.   I got up to take my tray to the trash can and he starts to pull out his colostomy bag right there in the lunch room.  The guy that said "she'll learn" said omg so disgusting right here in the lunch room?   I walked up to him and I said can you warn someone next time?   He said don't worry you won't have to sit with him again.   I would meet with a few different social workers as well in the next few days.  They would talk to me about being my own person and not allowing my significant other to stress me out anymore.  They gave me some tips and tools to help myself along the way.  The Lithium that the doctor put me on has raised my blood pressure extremely high.  It also gives me migraines and makes me have to pee every half hour.  I don't know what to do and I don't know if I should still take it, but I need to play it cool if I wanted to get out of here.  I was not willing to stay any longer. I felt so bad for the people that were in there.  A lot of them were hearing voices and had extreme memory loss.  I didn't have any of those, I was just in a rough place for a long time.  I felt better and wanted to go home.  I thought Tuesday was going to be my day.  The doctor than asked me if I have had any levels done with the Lithium.  I said what do you mean?  He said I needed my blood drawn and that I couldn't go home until that was done.  Well I made sure every nurse there knew that is what he said to me.  And the next morning now came and guess what?  He never put the order in.  You wanna know why?   I figured this out after the fact.  You need to be on Lithium more than 3 days before you have a level done.  More like a few weeks or so.   ASSHAT!   So anyway, Wednesday came and he finally agreed to let me go.  I stopped the Lithium because of all of the bad side effects it was giving me.  I just got off the phone with my psychologist also.  My appointment is for next Thursday with her and I saw a therapist yesterday at the Mental Health Association.  I am going to a group today to help improve self skills and all the positive things. 

Things are still going rough at home with me and him.  He finally made the phone call yesterday to get his own help. This was something he promised me back in May.  If he doesn't follow through with this, I am absolutely going to have to move on.  I am doing this on my own and working on my issues but if he isn't willing to work on his, then I don't know what else to do.  I have to just go.